Ancil“That can’t be all. If you people keep eating so much then all the food will finish in no time.”
“There’s something else competing for food in our bodies. It has a really big word for it and I can’t remember what my father used to call it but I does just call it a pain in the ass.”
“A pain in the ass is right.”
“I just know that when I die I will change into something. Whatever that thing is that’s competing for food in my body will take over. Whether it be a blue devil, a moko jumbie or a douen. Right now it’s all about survival of the fittest. It’s either me, or it.”
“That seems to be the case right through nowadays,” I said. “Is there a cure for that thing? You know, the thing that’s competing for food in your body.”
“Yeah. There’s always a cure once you’re still alive but the only place you can get it is in Mas Camp under the watchful eyes of Papa Bois.”
“Mas Camp — In Tobago?”
“Yeah but I’m sure you’re aware that the coast is a dead end. These coast guards don’t play.”
“Yeah. I have experience with them. It wasn’t a delightful one either. Almost died.” The memory of when Rajiv, Ravi, Megan and I were trying to leave San Fernando in the hover car came back to me all at once and a sudden feeling of remorse consumed me as I recalled their faces. I then recalled how Rajiv tried to kill me. How he let the circumstances change him, how he let his “roof fall off in the rain” so much that he didn’t even hesitate to attempt to kill his friend and I didn’t want that to happen to me.
“Jed,” Sara started.
“What?”
She looked at me for a while with a confused sort of curiosity then said, “I want you to tell me something and I want you to be honest.”
“Alright.”
“I get why you rescued us the first time around. You needed a car and I knew where you could get one. But what I don’t get is why you kept helping. When Justin had gotten caught you risked your life to save him even though you didn’t have to. Why?”
“I just… I just didn’t want to lose myself. I lost so much already but I just couldn’t find it in me to lose myself. Among all this death, among all this destruction I still want to be the kind of man that my father grew me up to be, you know. Positive Jed. Kind Jed. Caring Jed. I just don’t want all of this that’s happening in the Twin Republic to change me. I’m not like the Midnight Robber. I’m not a monster and I’m not going to let this world change me into one.”
“I use to think like that,” Sara said, “But then I learn that survival is not for the kindest or the sweetest or the most heroic. It’s for the fittest. Being a hero doesn’t get you anywhere because the thing is, once you’re a hero people expect you to keep being a hero to them even when you can’t be.”
“You weren’t talking like that last night in the school.”
“Because I only do what I need to do to survive Jed. Nothing more. Nothing less. I don’t want you to think that you saved my life — because you didn’t. I gave you something and you gave me something back in return. You don’t owe me anymore and I don’t owe you anymore.”
Her comment shook me a bit. I turned to her and said. “So everything you said and did last night was just a show to get me to help you?” Without responding she turned away towards the window and just stared out. “Well let me tell you something,” I continued, my voice a bit more bitter and harsh. “I didn’t save you and your siblings because I needed a car or because I was trying to be a hero. I saved you all because I wanted to be human. There are too many monsters in this world as is.”
“HUMANS DIE!!! Look at the world we live in Jed. There’s no more room to be human. Only monsters survive. You can’t be kind. You can’t be generous. You could only be what you need to be and if you need to be kind to survive then be kind, be generous. But if you need to be a monster to survive. BE A MONSTER and be a damn good one too. That’s what my father didn’t get. He tried to be a hero and now he’s dead, my mother’s dead and — we’re dead.”
“Everything you say there might be right but LET ME tell you where you’re wrong. WE.” I waved my index finger encompassingly. “WE are not dead yet and that’s enough hope.”
“You know, I admire your positivity Jed but let’s see how far that gets you.”
“We’ll see,” I said. “We’ll see.”
Sara continued to peer at me from the side while I drove for a few seconds then quickly snapped her head toward the window once more.
